The Dating Cycle

Dating sucks away my rationality.  For some reason (hah), women break down all my intellectual barriers and turn my mind into a jumbled mess.  Usually I can tell when I am being unduly influenced by emotions, but I don't have enough mastery of myself to turn the emotions off altogether (if you can do this you might be a psychopath).  So, even though I can avoid acting stupidly most of the time, I experience a roller-coaster ride every time I date someone.

This roller-coaster more or less follows the same pattern every time, and as far as I can tell, other people ride on the same tracks.  In this post I thought I'd describe various phases of dating.  Standard disclaimers apply.  I'm no expert.  I can only describe what I see in myself and in others.  These phases may not be equally well applied to men and women - I have no idea what happens in the minds of women... Also, real-world relationships are complicated and defy simplification into one simple model.  So, what I've written below won't always be true.  But I think the pattern matches many real relationships.

Phase 1 - Helloooooo

 It's not what you think, I swear!  Not entirely, at least.  In the first phase, something about the person captures your interest.  What that "something" is could vary from individual to individual.  Maybe you like to date people who are smoking hot.  Maybe you like deep, introspective types.  Or maybe you only like people who are attractive, deep, introspective, athletic, intelligent, hard-working, socially well-adjusted, and otherwise perfect in every way.

Whatever the case, you've found someone who resonates with you at some level, and you are now interested (for better or worse).  At this point, your knowledge of the individual is necessarily superficial.  Let's face it, there is no such thing as "love at first sight."  There is only "obsessive, unhealthy infatuation at first sight."

Phase 2 - Uncertainty and Self-Promotion

This is where the games are played.  Whether you like to think so or not, almost everyone plays games to some extent.  Complete frankness would be... counter-productive.  You can't generally walk up to your new interest and say, "Hey, I'm interested in starting a casual relationship that might proceed to something more serious and maybe even eventually marriage.  Are you game?"  (I suppose this happens at BYU more often than at other places in the world...)

The "game" is what you use to test the waters, as it were.  You smile a lot when she's around because it makes you seem good-natured and attractive.  You put on a bit of a show.  Pay attention, it happens all the time - guys act very differently around girls who they want to please.  It's analogous to roosters strutting around the yard, rams butting heads, and peacocks showing their feathers.  Real dating connoisseurs excel during this phase - there are all kinds of strategies to engender the interest of the opposite sex.  Not that I would know anything about that...

In general, you'll look for excuses to "be seen," you'll hang out and go on dates.  Then, if everything works out well, you'll start dating exclusively.  Woot.

Phase 3 - Euphoria

As you transition from Phase 2 to Phase 3, it becomes clear that your interest is reciprocated.  Your uncertainty gradually gives way to a biologically-driven euphoria.  Twitterpation.  Your partner can do no wrong.  She is perfect and this is heaven!  You might not think this consciously, but the subconscious mind is rejoicing constantly.  This is the Phase that all the popular songs speak of when they speak of "love."  You can't stand to be away from your partner.  You might even entertain thoughts of marriage - somehow it seems like a good idea.

Here is a telling example of how people behave during the euphoric stage.  In "BYU-approved" housing, you can't have members of the opposite sex in your apartment after midnight.  I used to live in an apartment complex where all the apartment doors faced a central, inner courtyard.  It was easy to see the comings and goings of apartment residents.  Every night at around midnight, apartment doors would open and couples would emerge - not to say goodnight, but to gaze into each-other's eyes for another few hours.

The euphoric stage is a lot of fun.  A lot of fun for the couple, but not necessarily for their roommates.

Phase 4 - Rudely Awakened

According to some "experts," the euphoric stage can apparently last for as long as two years!  In my own experience, it usually lasts for maybe three to six months.  Then the dream-land disappears altogether.  In Phase 4, one or both parties start to notice eccentricities in their partner.  Personalities no longer seem to mesh perfectly, and it is no longer clear that the relationship is "right."

Unfortunately, this phase is unavoidable.  I think that one of the biggest reasons for it is that men and women think and act differently.  There are endless pages of jokes about the differences between men and women, jokes that are only funny because they are so... true.

When the euphoria disappears, all the fairytale ideas about true love and happily-ever-after endings disappear as well.  It can be a rude awakening.  Sometimes the relationship ends here.  Sometimes it staggers along.  Ideally, though, both parties understand that the end of the euphoria is a natural event.  That leads to the next phase.

Phase 5 - Talking, Working, Talking, Working

Everyone knows that "relationships take work," but not everyone knows what that actually means.  Not everyone knows how much work it really is.  Forming a successful relationship is no passive endeavor.  If you aren't prepared to invest significant time and effort into a relationship, you aren't ready to be in one.

The specific "work" involves learning to communicate, working to meet the needs of your partner, interacting reasonably when you are tired or in a bad mood, learning to forgive human errors, learning to overlook the bad and see the good.  In a very real way, the "work" is in changing our naturally selfish natures.

While this phase is one of the more difficult ones, it is also one the most productive.  While in the euphoric stage, emotions easily interfere with our decision-making.  Our emotions tend to skew our view of our partner (in their favor, usually).  With the euphoria gone, however, the true personality of each individual comes out.  There is no more strutting, there are no more shows.  Just real unvarnished character.  In this phase, you really get to know your partner.

Sure, it takes work.  But if you really think about it, this phase is where the real discovery takes place.  It should be exciting!

Phase 6 - Adieu or I Do

Unfortunately, there is no simple measurement that says how much effort is reasonable and how much is over the top.  At what point do you decide that the relationship is just a poor match?  At what point do you decide that the work you've invested is the norm?  If only there were an easy answer to this question!

The core issue is to decide whether the person you are dating would make a good life partner.  Are your goals compatible?  Your lifestyles?  Are you able to communicate well?  Are you both capable of fully committing to make the relationship work?

Barring the possibility of dating indefinitely in a kind of stagnating limbo, eventually we have to decide whether to go for it, or whether to call it a failed experiment.

Conclusion

So, that's it... My six-phase, oversimplified dating model.  I have to confess that most of my relationships have ended with the euphoria.  Some progressed to the "talking, working" phase, but none have ended the final phase with an "I do."